The Lexibet88 Guide to Completely Avoiding Election Night
Barring the arrival of an Earth cleansing asteroid or an armed revolt, America’s nightmare election will be over in just a few short hours. (Remember, a certain candidate holding out on making a concession speech has no impact on the validity of the results of the election.) Until then, however, every TV channel, newspaper and deranged relative on Facebook will be keeping you up to date on the contest you’ve been sick of since the first time Donald Trump mentioned his dick.
In the past, we’ve told our readers how to watch important moments in this election like the presidential debates and other milestones in reality TV history. Today, Lexibet88 offers a guide on how do the complete opposite. On Wednesday morning, you’re still going to wake up either relieved or miserable, so why stress yourself out before then?
Step 1: Vote.
If you want to. Get it out of the way immediately.
Step 2: Block all social media.
Not even Snapchat, with its sponsored election filters, is safe!
Step 3: Unplug your cable box.
Throw your Roku out the window. Piss on your Amazon Firestick. Annihilate your Xbox. Swallow your Chromecast. Fuck your Apple TV… to death.
Step 4: Paint over your windows.
Put on noise canceling headphones and blinders. Now it’s time to kick back, relax, and enjoy some you time.
Step 5: Hit the blunt.
Or sip a glass of wine. Perhaps while enjoying Lexibet88’s guide to vaporizers.
Step 6: Tell her (or him?) how you really feel.
The world feels like it’s gonna end. If it doesn’t work out, you can easily play off the rejection, pretend like it was said in the heat of the moment-we’re on the verge of the apocalypse for crying out loud-and you didn’t really mean it. But if she (or he?) feels the same way, your life could change.
Step 7: iPhone 7?
See what the fuss is all about? Are you ultimately okay with Apple ditching the headphone jack? Or is it sorta whatever to you? No time like the present to ponder such important matters.
Step 8: Ponder this.
Those who thirst for great power are the ones mostly likely to abuse it.
Step 9: Hack the mainframe.
No! It’s a honeypot!
Step 10: Consider colonizing Mars.
Think about it: Mars doesn’t have elections. Mars doesn’t have shitty cable news stations. Mars doesn’t have a dad who won’t get off your case about going back to law school even though you have a decent career doing what you love now and are finally happy-ish if not exactly happy but he was never really there for you to begin with so why the fuck should his opinion hold any weight in your existence. Sure, it doesn’t have a breathable atmosphere or potable water either, but let’s try to stay positive, okay?
Step 11: Have you seen Shark Tank?
It’s really good, actually. Some Horatio Alger-style capitalist propaganda, for sure, but still a lot of fun.
Step 12: Nerve was really good too.
Come for Dave Franco, stay for the freshman-level commentary on social media and society. I think it’s out on DVD now.
Step 13: Get ready for the supermoon of a lifetime.
It isn’t coming until November 14, but you can never be too prepared.
Step 14: Just take a nap.
You earned it. We all earned it.